Selection: Humour

Today I feel like a total ditz. I was looking for my staff pass (otherwise I won't get into our office area) and could not find it. Check all the places I could have left it, including the car. Nothing.

On the way to work, I stopped at the physiotherapy place to ask if they had found it. No, it wasn't turned in...

So I get to work and hope someone can let me in. As I get to the door, out of habit I reach into my pants pocket, and you guessed it, there was my pass.

I normally take my stuff out of my pockets, but must have forgotten that yesterday.

Brain must be working too hard, or is distracted... ;-)

Now here is a wonderful way to calculate the day of the week for any date in any (well...) century. See this page for all the gory details.

The Basic Steps

The basic steps for a date in the years 2000-2099 are as follows:

Example date is July 13th, 2004

1. Take the last 2 digits of the year and add a quarter onto itself. (04 + 1 = 5)
2. Get the corresponding code for the month. (January = 6, February = 2, March = 2, etc. See month codes for details). July = 5
3. Take the day. (=13)
4. Add the numbers together (5 + 5 + 13 = 23)
5. Take away 7 (or multiples of 7) until a number from 1-7 is left. (23 - 21 =2)
6. This number corresponds to the day of the week. (1 = Monday, 2 = Tuesday, etc.) In this case 2 = Tuesday

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Sure, I can do this mentally, but I have to memorize codes and a bunch of rules. I'd be going mental!

A man went into a pizza parlor and ordered a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6.

The man thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces. I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send a email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. Reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: March 17, 2007

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then!

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS. Sure is freaking hot down here...

A very funny movie, Cultural Learnings of America, is not for the prude.

A totally different kind of movie we watched this weekend, is House of Flying Daggers. A different kind of love story, gorgeous scenery, and lots of action.

Good movies, good weather, and viagra made for a great weekend.

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. The winners are:

• Coffee (n.): the person upon whom one coughs.
• Flabbergasted (adj.): appalled over how much weight you have gained.
• Abdicate (v.): to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
• Esplanade (v.): to attempt an explanation while drunk.
• Willy-nilly (adj.): impotent.
• Negligent (adj.): describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
• Lymph (v.): to walk with a lisp.
• Gargoyle (n.): olive-flavored mouthwash.
• Flatulence (n.): emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
• Balderdash (n.): a rapidly receding hairline.
• Testicle (n.): a humorous question on an exam.
• Rectitude (n.): the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
• Pokemon (n): a Rastafarian proctologist.
• Oyster (n.): a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
• Frisbeetarianism (n.): (back by popular demand). The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
• Circumvent (n.): an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:

• Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
• Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
• Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
• Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
• Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
• Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
• Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
• Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
• Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
• Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
• Dopeler Effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
• Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
• Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
• Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

Watching CBC because I was too lazy to change the channel. CBC features a good number of comedy shows, but this one is my kind of guy: Russell Peters.

On a very serious health show the comment was made that "breasts are quite titillating". Were they making a play on words? What was their target audience?

I find it interesting that in these days of being "politically correct" these comments are still made and pass scrutiny.

What is this society coming to?

And I still have most of it...

Seen as a tagline somewhere...

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a slinky... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2006:
We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in Canada, but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the director, "We fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug." Do you want a room with or without a view?

Thanks Darlene, for this joke. Perhaps I should try it...

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against the wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxative!"
The clerk answers, "Of course you can! Look at him. He's afraid to cough!"